You don't feel like having sex and are wondering what's wrong with your relationship?
Ideally, you can still remember exactly how strong your passion and desire was at the beginning of your relationship. Now you find yourself masturbating or watching porn more and more often, but your partner has little sexual attraction for you.
Maybe you're struggling with the fact that your libido isn't gone per se, but that you simply have much less or no desire for the person you spend the most time with?
Table of contents
Is it normal not to feel like having sex?
I recently came across a very exciting book, "Intimacy and Desire - Sexual Passion in Lasting Relationships" by David Schnarch.
The American David Schnarch is considered a pioneer of sex therapy and has established that in every relationship there is a partner with weak desire and one with stronger desire.
The partner with the weak desire ALWAYS controls sex.
No matter what role you have in your partnership, Schnarch believes that sex is by no means a natural function. So it's not at all normal for you to be crazy about each other just because you love each other.
Not wanting to have sex is stressful for both partners
If you think there's something wrong with your relationship because the passion has disappeared, you're putting yourself under a lot of pressure. Inferiority complexes, feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction can arise.
If you're the partner with the weaker desire, you feel like you're the problem in your relationship - and most likely your partner thinks so too. It's a miserable role not to feel like having sex.
However, the partner with the stronger desire also has a difficult position. This is often only apparent at second glance. After all, how do you feel when your partner clearly doesn't want to have sex with you or only wants to have very little sex with you? You probably don't feel sexy or attractive enough and think that something is wrong with you, because otherwise your partner would want you.
So what's the solution?
To see your sexual desire as a natural biological drive? Unfortunately, this brings new problems with it.
Because how do you feel if your partner only wants to satisfy their biological drive with you? Especially for the partner with the weaker desire, this is guaranteed not to have a positive effect on libido.
Not in the mood for sex? Why "just do it" doesn't work
It sounds so simple: can't the partner with the weaker desire simply force themselves to have sex in the hope that the desire will come?
In fact, many couples therapists recommend this approach, even though it is extremely problematic.
Suppose you are the less desirous partner. How do you feel when your therapist tells you, "Why don't you just sleep with your partner, even if you don't desire him?" And how is this supposed to work in practice? As a rule, the partner with the weaker desire suffers and is guaranteed to have forced themselves to have sex several times - probably just in the hope that the fun will come with doing it.
But sex is also not much fun for the partner with the stronger desire if the other person doesn't actually feel like it.
Not wanting to have sex or wanting to have sex are both okay
By the way, there is no such thing as a "better" or "worse" partner. Just because you are the less desirous partner in the relationship doesn't mean that you generally have little or no desire for intimacy. Often, you simply don't feel like being with your partner - even if that sounds harsh at first.
Now that you know that both strong and weak cravings are totally normal, you can stop feeling bad.
It is also interesting to note that you are not the partner with the weaker or stronger desire in all aspects of the partnership.
As a man, for example, you can be the more desirous partner when it comes to sexuality, but at the same time have less desire for a child than your partner. In this case, you are the less desirous partner when it comes to family planning.
What about your relationship?
If you like, you can analyze your relationship and see in which areas (for example, the desire for a shared apartment, raising children, visiting friends, spending time with the family) you are the more demanding partner and vice versa.
Both positions are relative. Partners with a weaker desire don't necessarily have to not like sex at all. Maybe you prefer sex once a week, but your partner prefers it twice a week. You are already the partner with the weaker desire.
No desire for sex & the biological drive
Whether your desire is strong or weak has absolutely nothing to do with your biological drive and there is no right measure by which sexuality in relationships is measured. If you and your partner are happy, the measure is just right.
Because it is so important: strong or weak desire is not a character trait of yours and therefore you don't have to feel bad or better about it.
David Schnarch says that problems with sexual desire occur in EVERY partnership, even in healthy and harmonious relationships.
No desire for sex - why the partner with the weaker desire has control over sex
Perhaps you - like me - have already had one or two romantic relationships fall apart because the desire was no longer there.
We need to realize that relationships are not just about our feelings and that individual feelings are not always "right".
Even if you are reluctant to believe that the less desirous partner always controls sex, that doesn't change the validity of it.
Not wanting to have sex is the most normal thing in the world.
Initially, the more demanding partner will probably try to persuade their partner. But neither begging, criticizing, demanding nor withdrawing will change the problem.
You can't force your partner to sleep with you - and you have to accept that this will have a negative impact on your self-esteem in the long run if you allow it to.
If you are the partner with the weaker desire, you may not want this power and control at all and see it as a burden.
The less desirous partner controls sex - regardless of whether he/she knows it or wants it.
This means you can let go of the idea that your partner wants to "do something" to you with their lack of desire and simply accept this fact.
How does the less desirous partner control sex?
In almost all cases, sexual activity is initiated by the partner with the weaker desire.
The partner with the weaker desire decides which sexual advances of the partner to respond to.
Ultimately, they decide when intimacy occurs at all - in other words, they have control over sexuality.
No desire for sex doesn't mean something is wrong
When the desire for sex decreases in a relationship, at least one partner feels bad about it.
We still believe that something is wrong with a relationship if we have no desire.
David Schnarch firmly believes that when problems with sexual desire arise, it's the most normal thing in the world and is more of a sign that the relationship is okay.
You can overcome not wanting to have sex as a couple
However, this does not mean that these problems should be ignored. Rather, David Schnarch recommends using them productively.
We usually develop further when things get uncomfortable. And what better catalyst for this than love relationships?
Contrary to what many of us think, it is not our hormones or genitals that fuel our desire, but our brain.
We have the ability to associate sex with meaning. This means that our desire has a strong influence on our partner and our relationship - and vice versa.
How you feel about yourself, your partner and your relationship is very important for the strength of your desire.
It's not enough to break sexual habits, but it has to do with respect for yourself, sympathy and appreciation for your partner as well as passion and eroticism.
Curiosity as the key to more desire for sex
A certain level of maturity is required to be able to handle all of these components better.
Laut David Schnarch ist es möglich, die Flammen des sexuellen Verlangens wieder zu entfachen – sogar, wenn sie noch nie richtig gelodert haben.
So stop blaming yourself or your partner if your sexual desire has waned and there is no desire for sex.
Don't take it personally and let go of your defensive attitude.
With curiosity, you can change your personal situation for the better.
Conclusion
It is completely normal for problems with sexual desire to occur in partnerships. At the same time, this does not mean that love has disappeared or that you have to break up.
Quite the opposite - this circumstance forces you to evolve and take your relationship to a new level.
In every relationship, there is one partner with a strong desire and one with a weaker desire - not just in terms of sex, but also in all other areas of the relationship such as household chores, visiting relatives, keeping things tidy, etc.
The partner with the weaker desire always controls sex, whether they want to or not.
Source
David Schnarch: Intimacy and Desire - Verlag Klett-Cotta
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